Are Tantrums Learned? Co-Regulation, Modeling, and My Personal Journey

Are Tantrums Learned? Co-Regulation, Modelling, and My Personal Journey

By Carla Amoah (BA, MSc), Child Development & Behavioural Consultant 

5 minute read

A common myth in parenting is that children throw tantrums because they are "manipulative" or have "learned" that screaming gets them what they want. While it is true that children repeat behaviours that successfully meet their needs, the root of a tantrum is deeply biological, not calculated.

Children are born with immature nervous systems. They literally do not possess the brain wiring required to regulate extreme frustration, anger, or disappointment independently. They look to their caregivers to show them how to navigate stress. This is where modelling and co-regulation come in.

"You cannot join your child in their emotional storm and expect to be the anchor that saves them."

The Mirror Neuron Effect

Children learn emotional regulation through mirror neurons. If a child begins to dysregulate and shout, and the parent responds by shouting back, the child’s brain mirrors that escalation. The tantrum worsens.

In my own journey, I had to confront the uncomfortable truth that when my child was dysregulated, my own unhealed triggers were making me react with anger rather than calm leadership. I couldn't teach my child to stay calm if I was joining them in their chaos.

Breaking the Cycle

To change your child's tantrums, you must first manage your own.

• Be the Thermostat, Not the Thermometer: A thermometer simply reflects the heat of the room (shouting when they shout). A thermostat sets the temperature. When your child is chaotic, you must anchor yourself in deep, unwavering calm.

• Model Out Loud: Show them what regulation looks like. "I am feeling very frustrated right now, so I am going to take a deep breath before I answer you."